A little head's up.

To those aspiring parents out there fantasizing about child rearing. It's kind of like:

Not being the sole proprietor of your own body anymore

Having a time limit in the bathroom before a) you are rudely interrupted or b) open the floor to find a steaming pile and a guilty face- or nobody at all

Being repeatedly coerced and manipulated

Acting as a human jungle gym and/or pacifier (sometimes at the same time)

Being subjected to an hour and a half of pleading, bribing, threatening, and feigned indifference on your part at mealtimes

Getting slapped in the face "because I did that..."

Having your eyelids forcibly opened

Having to remove the potty seat every darn time you want to pee

Being repeatedly thwarted

Having your time wasted judiciously

Not being able to carry on a conversation without someone shouting every 4 seconds

Being vomited on, peed on, shat on and generally mistreated

Giving up on taking photos of yourself due to poor wardrobe choices

Not sleeping well

Living with the irrational fear that you're raising a fuckup

Living with the constant fear that YOU are the fuckup

Letting your laundry marinade in the washer until you remember it's there

Watching the growing pile of dishes and pretending like you don't see it

Trying to find a harmony between your philosophy on life and child rearing and your everyday reality

Being 'that mom' at the playground, nagging your spawn to go after the 90th "one more minute"

Discovering that your instinct is to hold your hands out like a vessel in front of your puking child (anywhere, at any time) 

Finding that you have touched more human feces with your bare hands than you had (n)ever planned to, and coming to terms with it... now "it's just poop"

Finding that Google is a mom's best friend

Having that eventual epiphany where you realize the world is a toxic fucking waste dump and that we have to maneuver through it as healthily as possible, if not for our own sake, but for our children's

Praying to God to give you the strength and patience to not only stay sane, but also not kill anyone...

And: being oddly happy and content despite all of it.